I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. be it at work, when i’m out with my friends and when i’m at home. here i am, a 22 year old, thinking about life and what i want from it? just to be happy. i want to be happy. it’s not that i’m not happy with my friends and family. in fact, i really am. just that that happiness you can share with your special half. like i am not happy as of yet cause i don’t feel a whole yet. i’m not gonna be in denial and say “i don’t need a man” because i do. i need a man to tell me that i am so fucking stubborn and he hates it at times when it’s going over board. i want a man to tell me to stop being a fucking bitch if i start to be unreasonable towards him and throwing my tantrums all over the place when it’s not even his fault. i want a man to tell me that i am smelly and i need to brush my teeth the first thing i wake up in the morning but kiss me on the forehead and hug me after saying that. i want a man that i can sit down and watch his favourite sport and play video games with him because i want to. i want a man to tell me what he wants to eat because i believe once his belly is filled, he’s a happy man. i want him to point out my flaws but help me through the change. and i, in return, i will be the opposite of everything he expects of me. i want us to be able to talk like friends, to share anything. if i sound stupid, he has to stop me. if he sounds stupid, i’ll stop him. i’d rather go on long walks then being driven around. i’d rather stay in to play skyrim on the ps3 instead of going for a gold class cinema movie. i’d rather turn up our music out loud and create our own moshing pit ground rather than going to clubs and paying cash we don’t need to spend. whip up a hearty meal and getting all teary eyed with the onions and suffering the impending doom of getting all popping onto my hands than going to a fancy high class restaurant that won’t be able to satiate my hunger. most of all, i’ve give you space. it’d be nice if i could hang out with your friends some time and you could hang out with mine but when it’s boys night out, i’ll let you have all the fun. when you’re watching the most important game of the season with your bros, i’ll let you have fun but i wish you respect the same too. i’m known to be the one that walks away from an argument and not confronting it right in the face. i am someone who needs to see the world, look up to the sky, stare at the grass and walking aimlessly, that calms me down. and i smoke. yes, smoking is the biggest turn off for men but i shall not be judged just cause i smoke because it is not fair, at all. when i need to take long walks, it’s not that i am afraid to confront the situation, it’s because i don’t wanna say the wrong things. if i know what i do and you think i’m in denial, i’ve no reason to prove to you because it’s evident. i am a simple girl. i am not fussy. i go with anything. i am not high maintenance and i don’t put on make up, at all. i just don’t like being the ‘sell out’ girl, the stereotyped ones.

i read 9gag and it dawned on me that guys just want their girls to be simple but then again it takes 2 hands to clap. if your girl loves you, don’t go cheating on her. please boys, just don’t. and girls, when he’s nice too you, please don’t take advantage of their niceness. i wish someday, someone will just see me as their dream girl. i’ve been getting myself into a whole lost of emotional turmoil lately the i think my heart is fucking me up real band. it’s like my brain is constantly asking my heart “what the fuck are you doing? why are you always like this, time and time again?”

i fall for people too fast because they’re nice. why can’t their niceness be something they do everyday and not for first impressions or just for that occasion? why? why can’t i be nice and not being seen differently? people need to know that nice people are still around and you don’t need to pretend to be nice.

perhaps again, i’m a truly boring person but then again, i entertain myself to no end. people don’t get my humour. it’s seen as ‘lame’ to them. what the fuck is cool then? i listen to music and i get into liking them really fast like it will lead from one to another, no, that doesn’t make me a poser. i will always love music the way i love it.

i’m just hoping, once, in my life, the guy that i like isn’t superficial. and i am confident that i can make him happy, just simply happy. he can laugh for hours and every meeting will be like our first. we do the most outrageous things and not be pissed scared cause we have each other’s back. just those simple little things. that makes me happy, really happy.

so for this one person, it’s a tad too early and i’m already hearing a lot of stories about you but i want to get to know you. i don’t judge, i listen. this is the new me, this is me after i’ve gone through quite a fair bit in life. i will take control of this. if friends refuse to help me along the way, i know where i stand now. i need to be on my own two feet. this is my life. i make what’s best i can out of it.

So, my birthday is just around the corner. To be honest, I am not anticipating it at all. I’m not even eager to celebrate it or whatever. I’m not even expecting any of my friends to celebrate it for me or get me any gifts. Yes, I’ve turned into a depressed person. To me, nothing makes me happier than lighting a stick of cigarette on a daily basis unless I’m meeting my friends. That’s my only way of escapism from everything else. I don’t even watch much tv nowadays. My life now is basically : wake up in the morning, shower, go to work, leave the office at 5pm, get home, shower, eat dinner, talk to my mum/dad or anyone that’s there to entertain me and sleep. It’s a daily routine.

I don’t write poems anymore. I’ve lost the momentum to do so. My mind’s dried and I’m constantly tired. I wish so hard to be back in secondary school. I miss the old carefree me. I miss being young. I want to be a kid all over again. Is that too much to ask for?

My love life? Ah wells, what can I say? No one’s interested in me. Hahah. Not surprised though. Though I’m harbouring hopes, I still find it dumb. Even so, I just wonder, why am I so dumb? My heart doesn’t tally with my head. ALL THE FUCKING TIME. Well, it’s a whatever to that.

You know how people say ‘ keep your friends close, keep your enemy closer’? Yeaps, that girl. All along. Should’ve known. I’m just hoping that whatever it is you’re doing, just don’t come to me sobbing like a bitch. Go to your friends. They’ll be all sympathetic.

I need coffee. Badly

I still think of you, yes, all the 98 days and still counting. There was never a day that went by that I haven’t thought of you. When I wake up, I’ll check my phone hoping that I would get a call from you at 7.10am. When I’m out, I’ll always stare at your number and get so tempted to call you. While I’m on the bus, I always had my message convo opened, typing you a message that I’ll never send. When I’m in the office, I’ve always waited for any whatsapp notification to see these words “baby, I wake up already. I love you so much((:”. During lunch time, I was always thinking of what you will be eating. On my way home, I listen to songs on my ipod that reminds me of you and when I’m home after 6.30pm, I’ve always stared at my phone waiting for your call to check whether I’m home. And right before I fall asleep, I’ll stare at my phone hoping for your name to appear on my phone screen, calling me.

Am I that bad of a person to you then that you called yourself stupid for being in a relationship with me? One of the disastrous relationships you ever had? I was being a control freak to you and you were sick and tired of it?

Was I such a bitch then? Was I stopping you from doing the things that you love? Did you really lose all your friends because of me? Was I really the cause of your failure in your education? Was I just a nightmare that entered your life for 11 months?

I’m angry at you for saying those things. I’m upset, depressed and hurt. But never a day goes by when I don’t think of your laughter, your chirpy self and your smile. I am relatively ‘new’ to this because you’re the one I ever love and would ever love. And I wasn’t joking when I said I’ll find no other. Because I can’t. I can see them as just good looking and the norm but never the way how I see you. I blame myself for what has happened. I will always do no matter how much my friends are ticked off by the fact. So now I know, mum’s the word.

But now, you’ve moved on. My ego is bruised to be honest because you told me that it took you 2 years to forget her but less than half a year to forget me? So those things you said about loving me like your wife are just mere says? What did I do wrong? Like how? Was I being too demanding? Was I being unreasonable? Was I so much of a bitch to you that you have to worry so much? Were you even happy or you were just feeding me with empty feelings about me?

The Notebook, I watch it every other week to remind me of you. How we will argue and make up.

Was I doing the wrong thing by not letting you club on a school night? Was I being irritating when I called you several times? Was I being too clingy? Was I asking for too much? Was I always making you worry with my problems? Was I trying so hard to poke my nose in your personal affairs?

I do things for the people I love without thinking. And I wanted to give you my best. That was all I ever wanted. Nothing less.

I was happy at how you were changing but were you? Were you even genuinely happy when you’re with me?

So now, there’s someone new, do you love her? Are you starting to love her? What is she doing to deserve to be loved? Have I ever crossed your mind after all these days? Or have you forgotten all about our late night convos, intellectual talks, our songs, our future promises and goals? You’ve forgotten all that? Am I a bad case of plaque?

I kept questioning myself and blame myself. I love you and I really miss you. I really really do.

You know when you watch those movies that the relationship was all rough and in the end, it turns out to be all good again? just like when it first started? i wish all the bullshits in the movies would stop cause they are giving hopes (to people like me) that things would take a turn in our lives. Like better things will come and things will change when you do things that you don’t usually do, most of the time seen as outrageous by one’s self. I mean, we need to snap back to reality but you know, when you’re in love, it’s all just a fucking fantasy. it’s like you’re high on meth or some form of drugs and all you see are unicorns and rainbows and you thought that nothing else mattered. Like the earth would shake but you just need to listen to his/her voice just to make you feel that nothing can bring you down, nothing can make you crumble nor falter. the strength, the happiness and the thoughts of being in a fantasy world, it’s just too perfect, too fucking perfect.

Reality is a fucking shithole. It gives you the fucking fact of how your life should be and how happiness can never last longer than 2 hours, and how you feel fucking weak though you tell yourself that you’re strong up there and the shits you have to go through daily, it’s just too much. Yes, many live lives harder than i do. They have to slog out just to make ends meet and place food on the table. i sympathize with these people but you can always see that smile on their faces, at the end of the day, they live for that achievement, on a daily basis and that smile brings out the happiness in them. why can’t it be that simple for me? why can’t i be happy with just that? why do i feel the need to want to do more each time? to go for the extra mile so as to make the person i love feel that he’s/she’s appreciated and don’t wanna let them feel left out in anyways? why the hell did i put so fucking much pressure on myself when i know i can simply be happy? why did i go for a guy i was never sure of but fell madly in love with him and now all he wants me to do is just fuck off from his life.

He told me i destroyed him? that was reality and it was like a dagger stabbed through my very human heart. my very weak human heart. He blamed me for his failure in education? When what i did was to wake him up in the morning every single day and ensures that he gets to school on time and he saves money by not taking cabs and makes the effort to send motivational messages to him each time he has a test/exam and make sure that i mean it and type out the message with a light hearted heart and a smile. to ensure that he has time to do his revision and not disturb him. didn’t allow him to go out to study alone at somewhere so far just cause i am worried and because i can’t be there with him cause of curfew issues. i guess that was selfish of me to think of it that way and the fact that we argue before his exam and his presentation and i knew i’ve affected him in a way and i apologized, taking full responsibility for it. i stayed up all night just to write an appeal letter for him to keep him in scholl but apparently i screwed that up to cause i sent the wrong one. and only god knows how i felt at that time, of how stupid and careless i was that i actually start hitting myself in the head telling myself how fucking stupid i was cause i basically blew the chance for him to go back to studying. but in my defence (in which i prolly think it’s redundant) i was very worried and wasn’t thinking straight. but when i took the blame then, he told me it wasn’t my fault and reassured me but now he tells me that i was a waste of his time and i made him waste his mother’s money for all my nonsense. i was thrown that with that shit today man. And i actually made a pact to quit smoking in which i tried but failed fucking terribly given my own issues that i have with the family and work but i gave up alcohol for a bit, i’ve not been exactly sober but it was more of an occasional thing that occur. he stopped drinking and smoking and that made me feel like i’ve helped him accomplished some good things. like he stays at home often and gets to spend time with his mom. he saves more money with the entrance fee and the drinks. i aimed to do that in which i was so happy i did not because of celebrating my success for making him quit those vices but it was more of a success that he was able to quit taking those vices and is moving ahead better. he looks better. i’ve never stopped him from meeting his friends. in fact, i encouraged him to meet his friends to hang out and such. i didn’t wanna be known as the control freak and the one who’s all insecure seeing the boyfriend with another girl. i wasn’t that kinda girl. not planning to be just yet though circumstances have shown and gave me all the more reasons to being so. but no, i won’t. and the fact that i was able to hear him out, his problems and i’m glad i was given this gift to think ahead and know the things to say and it wasn’t because it was all structured and planned, it was because i loved him. and every word i said, i meant it in the most meaningful and sincerest way that i can ever be to him. i always told him that i’ll be there and i won’t go away though i have my moments of where i don’t wanna even talk to him because of my emotions (FUCK EMOTIONS! I HATE HAVING ESTROGEN IN MY BODY LAH FUCK) and i didn’t understand why i did that earlier in the day and i would apologize. i hate the fact that he calls himself useless because i know he isn’t. he made me feel like a lady. like how a woman supposed to be treated and he knows how much forehead kisses meant to me, and coming from him, it never sounded so good. i was truly, madly, deeply in love with this man that i forgot my feelings. i forgot my family. i was always drifting apart thinking of what can i do to make him happy. he was having issues with his mom being sick and i was constantly worrying what can i do to take it away. what can i do to turn back time. i was willing to do all that and more. i was often caught in a daze and even my close friends told me that i was just looking all too worried. i never placed my happiness frist cause to me, happiness comes only when i see the genuine smile on his face. it’s more of what i can make an impact on rather than doing it for myself and keep myself happy. and it was all a world of fantasy.

He regretted ever being with me and thinks that his time would have been more worth it if he drank his night away. he told me all those nasty things. yes, it’s my fault, i kept with it for long but it was all because i was stupid and dumb but i fell for you that i overlooked my stupidity and just fell for you. you promised me the world, the beautiful simple life and many more. you promised me things that i never thought i would hear coming out from a guy like you and i have never loved you any less. the one before, she was the one who played you out, she was the one who can’t forget her ex, she was the one who used you to fill her void and now i’m asking you, did you take 11 months just to do what she did to you to me because all you ever said was that girls dump you and you don’t dump girls? well, here’s a reality check. YOU DUMPED ME. i was merely filling that half empty heart of yours cause you never meant all those words you said. even when you told me that it wasn’t my fault that i screwed up your education but now you’re going back o your words and you’re telling me that i’ve destroyed your life.

dude, i care for you to a point that i will try my best to whip up dinner for you just to make sure you eat and i actually go over to your house to deliver it for you. just to make sure you eat and i will find reasons to just pack food and send them over to your place just to know at the end of the day, you have a filled stomach. and yes, thank you for the earphones and all the help you rendered me. i didn’t think you became so calculative. you were the guy who made me believe that love was so fucking beautiful and that i’ve finally found the man that i wanna grow old with and now you, made me believe that love is a major scam and took away all the faith i ever have in men. all of it. you have made me a stronger and a weaker person at the same time.

i fell in love with you for you and nothing else and you simply used me as a substance to fill that void in that half filled heart of yours. i’m 21 and soon enough, i’ll be the only one who’s single and unmarried amongst my siblings and do i worry about that just cause i’m talking about it? no, not at all. i was never worried whether i’d be able to get married before i die. i was more worried at the fact that if i actually meet a guy, i would want him to move in with me and my parents if we do get married. and now, i’m just zoning out hoping that he would change his mind about me someday and that he would look pass everything at the fact that i begged for a second chance. i just hope he’ll accept me again. as dumb and immovable as i sound right now, i’m actually just not ready to fall for someone else unless he proved himself to be just like the boy Adele sang for in ‘Someone Like You’ and even so i know, i can’t find someone like you.

reality sucks so i have to suck it up and be a fighter cause life it’s not about the bright cheery roses and the crimson pour of light from the sun. the heat is unbearable, the country’s crowded and you’ve gotta work to support yourself in this hellhole. that’s more like it, that’ reality for you, as fucked up as it is.

i need to live in reality now. i need reality to bite me in the ass hard so i’d wake up from this non-existent slumber. please, just end my life if you have to. i’ve had enough of emotional shit. i’m not pussying out just cause life doesn’t go my way but reality needs one less person to be brooding about how fucking fucked up it is.

I spend sleepless nights reading through the old messages. The sweet “i love you so much baby”. I supposed it was too fast for us to ‘settle down’ and get all comfortable with each other. So he’s in Korea now, perhaps he likes it there, like he said “starting to hate Korea but not the girls”. So now, you’re like just one of those men? Have fun, party hard, get drunk fuck and dump? So much for “i’ll never find another person if you were ever to leave me”. Dude, seriously, don’t make such ‘promises’ cause you are just no better than the last. I used to think that you were the one but now you’re just overrated. Best part is, I’m beginning to forget how to sound like over the phone. that’s nice to know cause it kept haunting in my head and how i was actually suffering cause i couldn’t listen to your voice, but now, no. It’s going back to the old days. This is PERFECT. I have my friends, my awenins to be exact, they are helping me through. These people are one of a kind. We don’t talk shit behind each other but we give hard reality checks on each other and that’s what that makes our friendship FUCKING AWESOME! I don’t know what i’ll do without these awesome bunch. Oh, to me awenins are pretty much made up of Irni, Fadhil, Widad, Dalila and the new editions Lexi and Asyraf.

I totes sound like a secondary/primary school kid right now. Well, I can’t help it. I’m finally, truly happy and pretty much moving on. I’m deleting those messages, whatsapps, pictures and memories I ever had of you. I almost shot myself in the head with a pellet gun to think that I actually BEGGED for a second chance. hoshit, I was mad and depress but not desperate.

Ah wells, it ends here. You walked away from the person who actually gives a flying fuck about you and did not ever judge you. Your lost. I think the more I continue, I can be a potential ‘WORLD’S GREATEST SORE LOSER’. okay then, till soon.

‘Twas a beautiful memory now sung in a broken melody’

So I gathered enough sense to stop brooding about what happened 47 days ago (i hope luh, at least for now). I mean, he’s ‘having the time of his life’, having many ‘good nights, great nights’ and he’s ‘doing fine without me’ and to top it all of, he ‘hates me now’. How delightful!

So, since he’s moving on, i guess i should too right? but then again i can’t help to think about the past. i mean, it’s haunting me (like duh). it’s still fresh so it’s not really the past isn’t it? Unlike him, 47 days to me, to actually move on and start searching for someone new is definitely something that i’m not able to do. i take years to move on and honestly, by the looks of it, i haven’t moved on from a broken friendship for about 3 years now. But relationships, my past (i mean really long ago) relationships aren’t as great as this. No sarcasm intended. It’s really awesome. Like, i’ve never felt so loved by someone before. Someone who wakes me up at 7.10am sharp everyday, makes me call him when i’m out of the house, when i board the bus, when i reach work, when i have free time, when i’m done with work, when i’m home. It may sound psychotic to many but it’s the only way we can feel close to each other, by calling most of the time to make sure that we’re doing fine. He’ll always say that i sound cute over the phone when i sound major horrible, i mean i know myself.

But when he stopped drinking, smoking and clubbing altogether just cause i told him that he can be better without the vices and pricey entertainment, i was really touched. I for one, did not stop smoking. i tried to, so freaking hard but not hard enough, standard. haiz bazz ttm to myself.

I literally begged for a second chance but i was shot straight down. like BANG! dead. Well, at least i tried, knowing that i wanna salvage this relationship but i guess his ego got in the way? or he sees no future in me for him any longer?

But those words, those words he said to me. It was so surreal at that moment and it seems like nothing else matter. Like how he said that if we ever breakup or if i were to leave him, he’ll never find someone else. He sees me as the mother for his kids? Well, we talked way ahead in the future. I saw him as a father to my children. I saw a bestfriend in him that I can rant anything I want to about. And the best part is, I love those intelligent conversations we had and how we actually talked about poverty and saw a whole new different light to it. It was really special. Our late night calls, when i’m all sleepy, i tend to sleep talk and spout nonsense and he will tell me what nonsense i say and such.

Ahh wells, it’s a pain trying to remember my past but I’m glad he’s doing fine now. Very glad in fact. He’s travelling, very nice. Meet new people and somehow meet a girl well-deserving of him along the way. I wish for the best for him. I shan’t be sour cause there isn’t a need to. It was great while it lasted. Take care, sillyboy

It has been some time since i last blogged. i barely have the time to do anything now given the fatigue that sets in right after work and also giving my time equally to spend with my family and my awenins.

Well, the definition of life, at the tip of my tongue now ; Numb. i feel numb everyday and it irks me that i can’t understand why is it so. i feel numb the moment i wake up, shower, go out, at work, on my way home, before i sleep. i felt as though life isn’t meant for me right now. it’s hard to find the happiness when it’s ripped away from you forcefully. perhaps, it’s what that has been happening for the past 20 years is haunting me right now.

i have a lot of friends, a few acquaintances and perhaps a bunch of enemies. it’s an overused topic when it comes to friendship and how one values it by mere words. words means nothing unless it’s meant. i’ve heard too many talks from people. you can say the. sugar coated words to me but how much do you actually mean it? ” I tell people that you’re my close friend and that you’re very nice.” , “you’re my bestfriend, it’s different when i’m with you. we are very laid back people” and “you’re the one that i can relate to. no other person can understand me like you do”. all these, i’ve been told but never been shown. if i am, or rather was, a close friend of yours, how the hell did things i remembered sharing between us leaked to other people when i only remembered telling you alone about it and no one else. you talked SHIT about me to your friends. you can’t really hide that, you know. people do tell me. If i am or not anymore i supposed, your bestfriend, why do i feel my existence to you only when you’re in need? why is it that you’re turning into the people that once turned their backs against you? did i ever do that to you despite what others say? i don’t because i choose to find it out for myself. If i am or was the person whom you could relate to, why do you tell others the same? is that a pickup sympathy line for you? is that truly meant? i don’t get why is it so hard for people to just show how much they treasure their friends?

people who used to be close to me says that i am clingy. perhaps after many incidences, i realised it. but it was only because i truly treasure them. i really do. that may not see things the same way as i do because i am different. it’s not as if i’m cramping your style or interfering with your love life. none of those. yet you talk about how you want to be loved. this is human. i am human but i look over any insecurities i have. i have no insecurities, just heartaches from undeserving and ungrateful lot.

FUCK YOU HATERS! i love me. hahahah

Dear X,

Ever wondered why we constantly dwell on the cliche-ness of superficiality? You claim you’re unique, one of a kind and you’re not like the rest but being superficial doesn’t make you any different from anyone. My appearance have made superficiality my arch nemesis because i’m not what people classify as hot or pretty in which their definition is 24,36,24. I am a big woman (not severely obese, i hope not ever but a big build with substantial amount of fats and thank God it doesn’t bulge out at the wrong times. HAHA!) and I love myself but i realise that i doubt myself at times because i can’t never catch a break from the constant teases and cajole “wah, heavy sia you” or even “so hard to find your shirt size, why your body so big?”. So when these came bickering in my mind, others will say, “don’t care what they say. Just don’t bother”. As much as i want to do that, i feel like i can’t ignore what they say. I have to do something about myself. Thing is, I’ve tried and i can’t seem to be changing my appearance to be your ‘Hot/pretty’ lady. I am born this way, i mean i was born heavy but then again it isn’t a reason for me to just accept it as it is. But come to think of it, what if i do grow skinny, like really skinny. and i’ll be losing fats around my boobs and my bum. I won’t be happy. i mean my bum and boobs are my assets. Women pay hundreds and thousands of dollars just to get nice bum and boobs. And also the fact that i will not be happy, like i have to watch my diet like no ice cream, chocolate, donuts at any cause. that’s just absurd. I’ve met many superficial people (men) and i just don’t understand why a skinny lady is deemed as hot? it is cause it’s easy for you to carry them to bed and fuck their brains out or you won’t be embarrass at the fact that when she sits on the bus, she fills only HALF the seat and if she ever trip/fall, she will look like a damsel in distress rather than a hug ball rolling on the floor? or you’re just ashamed when people look at you and say “wah, his girlfriend damn fat can?”. Is that what you boys out there are ashamed of? How about thinking of having a life partner who gives you support and comfort not only emotionally but also physically, it’s a plus point guys, like really.I’m not saying this because i am one of them but if i put myself in your shoes, i want that. And most importantly your love for each other is sincere and meant, anything that comes after doesn’t really matter that much.

On another note, on Monday, on our way home, someone knocked hard on my head to wake me up from my slumber. I need to stop thinking about people whom i know things between us aren’t gonna be the same way as it used to. And each time, people speak their name, i’ll feel that tug in my heart. that must go away, far far away. I’m coping, i will be okay.

And a PS to guys, please don’t promise the world and your love to your girlfriend if you can’t get over your ex. Even when your girlfriend asks you about your ex, don’t deny missing the ex. We all do miss our past. She will open up to you, talk about it and both of you will move on from the past for a new future with each other. You don’t keep the ‘backup feeling’ of missing your ex when things aren’t going right in your relationship. We are just humans, we make mistakes but at the same time, we can stay away from hurting the people who truly loves you and wanna spend the rest of their lives with you. treasure that and not doubting it.

I have officially become a mess and I am to be blamed, right? Everything. Everyday. All the time.